Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
