I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
