70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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