does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
