Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
