anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
Randomize