Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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