if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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