a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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