Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
