i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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