it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
