There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Randomize
