Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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