Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
you will always have a special place in my vag
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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