It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
