Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
