Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize
