My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Randomize
