I'm laying in your front yard are you home
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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