We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
