I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Send help, water and tortillas.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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