Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
