why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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