Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
