If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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