I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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