made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
