I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
