Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
