I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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