I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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