My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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