My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
