she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
