I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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