2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize