Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
