Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
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