Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
