I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
