i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
