Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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