Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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