I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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