someone owes me an orgasm
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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