im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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