i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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