Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
