So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
