i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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