She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
