Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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