goodnight i made you a song goodbye
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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