you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
