Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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