i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
