who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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